The Curious Story of The Grubb Lad

The weather in the Shire is too warm and Estella, Diamond and Rose have a rather hot discussion about it all.

Author: Grey Wonderer

Rating: PG-13

Category: Canon-Humor/Parody

As Always these are not my characters. They are the creations of J.R.R. Tolkien and I am only borrowing them for this story. No money is being made on this and so when you read it, don't expect too much, ok?

This is post-quest and takes place in the Shire at Bag End on a very hot afternoon.

GW

"The Curious Story of The Grubb Lad"

"I don't think this is physically possible," Diamond frowned. She turned the book several times in a effort to find a way in which the drawing on the page might seem as if it were something that could be accomplished by normal hobbits.

"Page thirty-five?" Estella asked not bothering to look.

"That's the very one," Diamond said in surprise. "How did you know?"

"Because that one isn't possible," Estella sighed. "I think it's only in the book as some sort of a test of endurance and flexibility. I don't think there is a hobbit alive that can achieve that one." She took a long drink from her cup and fanned herself with the book that she had been reading. "This heat is killing me."

"It's also not very good for other things," Diamond said darkly as she continued to shift the book and study the drawing.

"Sam says that it's likely the weather will kill off our tomatoes if we don't get a proper rain soon," Rose said taking her handkerchief from her apron pocket and wiping the sweat from her brow.

"I didn't mean the garden," Diamond scowled looking up from the book.

Estella arched an eyebrow. "Trouble with Pippin?"

Diamond shifted her gaze to Estella and said, "He says it's too hot to, well, you know."

Estella giggled. "Merry says that too or he did until I solved the problem."

"How?" Both Rose and Diamond were giving Estella their full attention now.

Estella grinned at both of them and said, "I fill a tub in the bathing room with cool water and strip naked and climb into it. It works every time. There isn't a Brandybuck alive that won't make love under water."

"But Sam ain't a Brandybuck," Rose frowned. "I don't know as he'd go for that sort of thing."

"Hasn't Sam every skinny dipped?" Estella asked.

"I doubt it," Rose said. "Sam doesn't swim. None of the Gamgee's swim. I don't swim."

"I am not suggesting that you fill a tub with enough water to swim in," Estella said patiently. "All I'm saying is that a nice, cool bath will do the trick." She looked intently at Rose. "Sam does bathe doesn't he?"

"Well of course he bathes," Rose said slightly annoyed.

"Pippin can swim," Diamond grinned. "And he's been skinny dipping many times. Once he and I went." She covered her mouth with a hand and giggled while blushing.

"There you have it then," Estella smiled knowingly. "Put that lad of yours into some water and I think that in spite of the heat you'll get exactly what you want."

Diamond looked at the book again. "Maybe this might be possible in the water," she said thoughtfully. "Pippin is very flexible."

"Page thirty-five isn't possible in the water and don't ask how I know," Estella said raising a hand as if to block any questions. "I just know."

"So, I fill a tub with cold water and-" Rose began but Estella quickly cut her off.

"Not cold water," Estella said. "Not if you want Sam to rise to the task at hand. Cold water isn't at all good for that sort of thing. It causes important things to withdraw from the action completely."

"It does?" Rose frowned.

"The portion of Sam that you're hoping to arouse will pull in and try to find some place warm," Estella said. "In other words-"

Diamond broke in at this point. "It's like a turtle going back into its shell when danger comes near. The head goes right back into hiding and while Sam might be perfectly willing to get on with business it will take you a while to lure the turtle's head back out of the shell."

Estella giggled. "Oh, Diamond that is entirely too funny!"

Rose was blushing a bright red now but she was also laughing.

"Cold water isn't at all good for sex," Diamond said above the laughter. She looked down at the book again. "Estella, if one had a ladder do you think?"

"No and if you value your life, you'll just turn the page," Estella sighed. "A ladder would probably get you both killed or it might even snap the head right off of that turtle." Estella grinned wickedly.

"That can't happen," Diamond said with a dismissive wave of her hand. "It can't, can it?"

"I heard tell that one of the Grubbs got his caught in something and that he didn't get all of it back," Rose said in a voice just above a whisper.

Wide-eyed, Estella and Diamond leaned over toward Rose and waited for more.

Rose swallowed hard, probably wishing that she'd not mentioned it and then said, "He wasn't more than about twenty-six and he was drunk at the time so that might kinda explain some of it but not entirely."

"Explain some of what?" Estella demanded impatiently.

"Well, he was drunk-"

"So you've said," Diamond cut in.

"And he was at that age that hobbit lads go through when they're excited by everything," Rose said and all three lasses giggled and nodded. "He'd got excited about something and naturally no proper lass would have let him do anything at all so he was on his own as to relief don't you see," Rose said knowingly.

"He had to one-hand his willy," Diamond nodded.

Estella snickered. "Where do you hear these things?"

"From Pippin of course," Diamond said. "It isn't as if I go about the Shire discussing this sort of thing with just anyone."

"Of course not," Estella said still trying not to laugh.

"Do you want to hear this or not?" Rose asked becoming slightly annoyed. She'd just built up the nerve to tell it and now here they were going off on another topic.

"Of course," Diamond said.

"Well, the Grubb lad didn't use his hand. He thought of a better idea or at least he thought it was a better idea," Rose said in a whisper. "He dropped his trousers and he proceeded to place his privates into the knot hole of a tree."

Estella gasped. "He didn't!"

"Them that speak of it say that's exactly what he done," Rose said.

"Who talks about this?" Estella asked.

"I overheard my brothers telling this story a few years back but now and again the story gets told again like all stories will," Rose said.

"So he put his willy into a hole in a tree?" Diamond said not caring where Rose had come by this interesting story.

"He did and of course the thing got excited by the motion and it swelled like they do," Rose said.

Estella's mouth fell open.

"Well, he got down to business but he got stuck in there and the swelling wouldn't go down," Rose said.

Diamond gulped. "The lad got his willy caught in a knot hole?"

"He did and he was stuck there until a few other lads came along," Rose said.

"Then what happened?" Diamond asked.

"They teased him nearly to death of course," Estella giggled. "I can't imagine the jokes Merry would make if he found someone in that sort of fix."

"They might'o teased him but they also were a bit drunk and so they decided to pull him out," Rose said.

"They pulled off his willy!" Diamond shouted getting to her feet in her excitement.

"Shhhhh!" Estella hissed. "Keep your voice down. There are other folks in the Shire and some of them might be within a few hundred miles of here."

Diamond covered her mouth with both hands and sat down quickly. The book with the interesting drawings was now on the floor of the covered porch but she didn't seem to care. Her full attention was on Rose.

"I hear tell it took the skin clean off of it," Rose said. "I've even heard that the tip end of it snapped off and that it's still in that tree to this very day."

"That's disgusting," Estella said with a shiver.

"I'll bet some animal ate it," Diamond offered in a low voice.

"Diamond!" Estella objected.

Rose blushed and giggled helplessly as Diamond continued. "Some wee squirrel or maybe a fox or something came along and found it and ate it. Or maybe a bird but I'll wager it's not there now."

"That's a load of rubbish," Estella giggled. "Squirrels wouldn't eat, well they won't is all."

"How do you know?" Diamond asked.

"Yes, Estella," Rose said still giggling. "How do you know?"

"They eat nuts don't they?" Diamond said grinning wickedly.

All three lasses dissolved into laughter and that is how Pippin and Merry and Sam found them when they walked up to the smial at Bag End. "What is so amusing?" Merry asked. "It's hot enough out here to roast a goose and here the three of you sit laughing as if everything were fine."

Estella giggled and then shrugged but was unable to answer.

Diamond got to her feet and hurried over to Pippin and kissed him on the lips. "I've had an idea," she said.

"What sort of idea?" Pippin asked looking down at her.

Diamond stood up on her toes and whispered something into Pippin's ear. "In this heat?" he asked looking slightly pale.

"We aren't movin' the furniture," Sam said looking at Rose. "I know we talked on it last night but it's too hot for that sort 'o work."

"That isn't what she wants moved," Estella said with a laugh.

Diamond ignored the rest of them, all of whom were looking closely at her and Pippin now and she whispered into Pippin's ear again. He looked as if he were puzzling something over and then he said, "That might work."

"What have the three of you been doing all day anyway?" Merry asked looking at Estella.

"It's been too warm to do much of anything," Estella said trying to look innocent. Merry was about to ask further questions but Pippin spoke again.

"Now?" Pippin asked looking nervously at Diamond.

Diamond nodded and she squeezed his hand in her slim fingers.

"Here in someone else's smial?" Pippin whispered but everyone heard him all the same and Merry snorted.

Diamond stood on her toes again and whispered into Pippin's ear yet again and his eyes grew wide. "What sort of drawing?"

Merry grimaced. "Don't do it, Pip. You want to have children some day."

"I've warned her but she won't listen," Estella sighed.

Sam looked curiously at Rose who lowered her head and studied her feet rather than meet his gaze.

Smiling sweetly, Diamond reached down and scooped up the book that she had dropped earlier and then placed her free hand about Pippin's waist. "Pippin and I will be using your bathing room, Rose," she said casually. "We may actually be late for tea." She opened the book and pressed it into Pippin's hands as they entered the smial.

"Didn't we do that on your birthday this year?" Pippin's voice was saying.

Estella looked at Merry in shock.

"There is no way that he did that," Merry hissed looking nervous. "No one can do that."

All they could hear now was Diamond's giggles fading as the Tooks moved further into Bag End and further away from the tiny covered porch that Sam had built earlier that summer before the heat wave.

"Estella, I thought you said that no one could-"

"You can't believe a word that Took says, Rose," Estella said and then she looked at Merry and frowned. "You don't think that he actually can do that, do you?"

"Well, if he can then I certainly don't want to know about it," Merry said looking disgusted. "I don't even want to think about that."

"I ain't seen this drawing and I don't know what the fuss is about but I think I'll be sitting in the shade 'o the porch until such time as they finish doin' whatever it is that they can't possibly be doin' in there," Sam said taking a seat on the wooden bench and taking out his pipe.

"That, my friend, is a very good idea," Merry agreed and he sat down next to Sam.

Estella and Rose exchanged glances and Estella said, "If she's wrong then we may be able to find out if that theory of her's about the squirrel has any truth in it."

Rose shivered and Sam said, "What about squirrels?"

Merry placed a hand on Sam's arm and said, "Don't ask them. Whatever it is, you probably don't want to know about it."

The End

07/06/2007

National Geo-Graphic

Sam, Frodo, and Gollum encounter the mumakil on their quest with a slight twist. This is not at all how Tolkien might have intended. Movie-based.

Author: Grey Wonderer

Rating: R

Category: AU-Humor/Parody

This was inspired by a Live Journal friend's rather innocent post. Upon reading it, this idea came to me and I had to write it. I don't think it's at all fair to blame the content of this story on that particular friend because I do tend to take things the wrong way but I am going to credit her post for giving me the notion all the same. Please, no violence! Thank you, semyaza! You know which post I mean...

Oh, and naturally, these are not my characters and I am making no money on this at all and you can certainly see why after reading this one!

GW

"National Geo-graphic"

"Mr. Frodo! No one will ever believe us in the Shire when we tell them about this," Sam said shaking his head in wondered as he watched the huge animals crossing the field before them. "Why I always believed that Oliphaunts were just in stories." Beside of him Gollum rolled his eyes but said nothing. He was uninterested in the beasts.

"Apparently not," Frodo smiled trying to hope that they would return home so that they might have the chance to tell what they had seen. He looked over at Sam who was still watching the huge animals with a sense of wonder akin to that of a small child. Suddenly the expression on Sam's face changed and his eyes widened. Gollum giggled madly but Frodo ignored this because Gollum did quite a bit of that no matter what.

Frodo looked toward the great beasts. Sam's expression made him fearful that the creatures were getting too close and might trample upon them as they sat there in the tall grass hiding. As he caught sight of what had obviously caused the change in Sam's demeanor he gasped.

"Don't look, Mr. Frodo," Sam said in spite of the fact that his own eyes were still glued to the activity in the field beyond them.

"Are they doing what I think they're doing?" Frodo whispered not expecting an answer.

Sam swallowed and said, "I reckon it's like it is with all beasts and such, Mr. Frodo though I can't say as I ever thought to see such as this."

"I just hope they don't fall over," Frodo said nervously and Gollum continued to giggle.

"How long do you suppose they are-"

"Sam Gamgee! I refuse to discuss the size of those creatures and their, their personal attributes!" Frodo shouted not thinking that he might reveal their location by speaking so loudly.

"I don't mean how long are they in size, Mr. Frodo," Sam said ducking his head in embarrassment. "I mean how long do they go at it like that? It looks painful from here."

"Painful, yes, Precious, the fat hobbit knows," Gollum whispered as he watched the animals gleefully.

"Oh," Frodo whispered with a quick glance at Sam as he realized that he had over reacted to Sam's words. "I don't know."

"Look! Lord Faramir! Spies of the enemy!" a voice shouted and before Frodo or Sam could escape two soldiers grabbed them and pulled them to their feet.

Faramir gazed out toward the rutting mumakil and sighed, "I suspect that the enemy did not send spies into our midst in order to determine the mating habits of those beasts. I doubt these two have learned anything useful."

As Frodo struggled to escape his captor, bowmen stood up all around them and Sam, who was still watching the huge animals sighed, "On second thought, I don't reckon we should tell anyone back home about this." He averted his eyes from the scene upon the field and coughed. "I know this won't be considered proper conversation much of anywhere. Your cousins might have enjoyed hearin' it though."

"They would have loved it," Frodo murmured hating to admit that Sam was right about Merry and Pippin. "Also it might have convinced Merry that somewhere there are forms of life with larger endowments than he possesses."

"My Lord, what shall we do with these spies?" one of the soldiers asked.

"And what if the small one that escaped?" another soldier asked.

Frodo and Sam suddenly looked around remembering Gollum for the first time since seeing the Oliphaunts. Their eyes met but neither of them spoke.

"We will flush out the third spy at nightfall," Faramir said pulling his own gaze away from the mumakil. "It is likely that he will return to try and rescue his comrades." He glared at the two hobbits and said, "You will tell me why you are here and upon whose orders you have come."

"We are not spies and we will tell you nothing," Frodo said bravely.

"We was just watching the Oliphaunts," Sam said hoping to help his master. "We meant no harm it's only that we've never seen the like of such creatures a'fore."

Faramir frowned at the gardener and said, "I think perhaps you were a bit too interested in those beasts." He looked over at the soldiers and said, "Release them and send them on their way."

"But my Lord, are these not spies of the enemy?" the soldier holding Frodo demanded.

"These are merely a couple of rather nasty-minded creatures," Faramir said with distaste. "I doubt that even the Dark Lord would have use for such as these. Release them and send them away so that I do not have to look upon them." He turned his back on the hobbits, which, coincidently, afforded him a splendid view of the rutting mumakil, but none of the soldiers present thought it wise to remark upon that fact.

"You heard him," the soldier holding Frodo said and he pushed the startled hobbit to the ground and wiped his hands upon his trousers. "Off with both of you. Be about your foul business elsewhere!"

Sam, who had also been pushed to the ground got to his feet and gave Frodo a hand. "Come on, Mr. Frodo," he whispered.

"Sam, we have to explain this," Frodo said in a very embarrassed whisper. "These soldiers think we are some sort of perverts."

Sam pulled Frodo forward and whispered," Better they think that rather than thinkin' we're spies of the enemy."

"But, but, but, my reputation is at stake here," Frodo objected a bit louder as Sam continued to pull him further away from the soldiers.

"We can't be explainin' why we come here," Sam reminded him. "Keep it secret, keep it safe, remember?"

"If this ever gets out I'm ruined," Frodo moaned. "No one in my social circle will ever invite me to tea again. I won't be allowed to be among decent folk."

Sam rolled his eyes and sighed. He supposed that this was one bit of their adventure, no matter how interesting a story it might make, that wasn't going to get into Mr. Bilbo's book. He hurried Frodo forward as one of the soldiers made a retching sound and shouted, "Lord Faramir! I've found the other one and he's doing something vile in those bushes while watching the mumakil!"

It was then that Frodo and Sam began to run but in spite of their haste they couldn't help but hear Gollum shouting, "Yes! Yes, my Precious! Yes! Oh, that's it! Yes, Precious!"

The End

GW 07/11/2007