Something Wicked This Way Comes
Merry and Pippin find out more about Orcs than they might have wanted to know. This story does not involve any rape but there is sex so protect yourselves. I refuse to be held responsible for any accidents.
Author: Grey Wonderer
Rating: R
This story was originally written for the Waymeet Summer Blockbuster Challenge. Write a story using the title of a film as the title of your story. This was my entry. Thank you for reading.
Beta: Marigold
"Something Wicked This Way Comes"
It is dark and we have finally been allowed to stop running. My legs ache from the constant effort to keep going and to stay ahead of the whip. They have thrown us on the ground as if we are nothing more than cumbersome baggage and I am, for once, grateful to be ignored. My knees are weak and I suspect that even if my legs were untied I would not be able to stand. My strength is gone. It has been drained from me faster than ale leaves a barrel at a wedding party. Oh, how I would dearly love to have even one drop of ale right now but I must not complain because I can't let Merry know how disheartened I am. He relies upon me to keep a cheerful outlook in dire times.
Poor old Merry! This day has been dreadful for him as well, no doubt even more so. I worry about his injuries for they appear to be more serious than my own. He was unconscious for ever so long and I did fear that he might not wake. Whatever that vile substance that they forced us to drink is, it seems to have brought Merry around. I doubt that it was a pleasant experience for him. I certainly didn't enjoy the taste of it. He has been running across these endless plains all day just as I have and I can see the exhaustion in his eyes. At least they have placed us near one another. I smile at him in the hopes of giving him some encouragement.
We gradually move a bit closer together so that we may whisper to one another. We have been separated for such a long time. Even though I know that my dear cousin has been but a few yards away from me all day it has seemed as if the whole of Middle-earth lay between us. I have longed to speak to Merry and to reassure myself that he is all right. Finally we are ignored by our captors and I am able to have a few precious words with him.
"Merry, are you well?" I whisper cautiously as he settles himself next to me with his elbows and hands propping up his head.
"I have felt better, Pip," he says with a small grin. "I didn't know that I could move that fast or run that far." He sighs. Poor old Merry! He looks so very tired and there is nothing that I can do.
"I caught sight of you amongst
the Orcs at times but I was never able to see how you were fairing," I whisper. "The Orc following closest to me was not keen on letting up and I had to keep moving or risk his anger."
Merry looks at the backs of my legs and frowns. I know that even in the dark he is seeing the welts there and I wish that I could hide them from him. Instead I try to make light of them. "Frankly, I've received harsher treatment from your father after being caught trying to nick a pony for an unapproved ride to town." I wink at him. "We could have used a pony or two today couldn't we, Merry-lad?"
He smiles at that but quickly presses his lips together and gives me a warning look. I remain still as Merry watches something over my shoulder and out of my view. I don't dare turn my head at present for fear of alerting the Orcs to the fact that we are both awake and enjoying a bit of conversation. They do not like it when we are enjoying anything. They might have orders to return with us alive and unspoiled but they most assuredly do not intend that we should have an easy journey.
Merry relaxes and says, "I thought that a couple of the Orcs were coming this way but now they've turned back to the others. Do be careful, Pippin. Our guard is just over there near those rocks. We do not want to invite his attention."
"Certainly not," I agree. "Where do you suppose Strider and the others are right now?" I can't help but feel the need to be reassured myself in spite of my efforts to cheer Merry. I need to hear him say something encouraging as well. As my actions today can attest I do hope that help will come and that we shall be found and rescued. If I did not believe that then I should not have given up my lovely Elven brooch.
Merry whispers sadly. "I am sorry to say that I believe that poor Boromir is lost. His injuries looked to be grave, Pip."
Tears spring to my eyes and I nod. Try though I might, I can offer no argument to that. Merry is right. Our brave, valiant friend is most likely gone. I search about in my mind for something brighter to hold on to and say, "But surely good old Strider and the others are following our trail."
Merry smiles at me and nods. "If they are at all able then I am sure they have not forgotten us, Pip."
It seems that Merry and I are both trying to keep hopeful in spite of our current predicament. Best to think of brighter times than this. We can't let Frodo down by coming undone at the first sign of trouble. But then, this is hardly the first trouble we've had. It seems the most perilous to me just now but I suspect that is only because I am in the middle of it.
There is a sudden noise and lots of movement near our guard and I lower my head so that I may still see him but perhaps I will not be as visible to his eyes. Merry also ducks down and he is watching the guard too. Another Orc, this one larger than our guard, is standing and speaking to the one whose job it has been to see to it that we do not escape. A third Orc now joins them and after a brief discussion the third one moves away from the others. This third Orc seems to have assumed the duty of guarding us now. He is sitting on one of the large rocks near the edge of the forest and from time to time his eyes drift in our general direction. The other two remain in conversation and Merry and I are left to wonder what might be about to happen.
"Do you suppose they are planning something?" I ask, trying to sound casual but failing miserably. I can hear the worry in my voice and so I am quite sure that Merry hears it also.
"I don't know but perhaps they are making plans to move on again," Merry whispers tightly. "I doubt that we will be in any one place for very long, Pip. They seem tireless, these Orcs."
"Well, I am as tired as I've ever been," I say quietly.
"As am I," Merry agrees.
"And hungry," I sigh. I can't help but mention food as we've not had anything decent in quite some time and my stomach is continually rumbling in an effort to remind me of this.
"I am still a bit ill from the last time they decided to feed us," Merry says. "I don't fancy the sort of meals that this lot provide."
"Nor I," I say. "But something like the sort of food that Sam prepares would be welcome right now."
"Do not mention Sam's cooking to me now or I shall weep for the loss of it," Merry says. "That sort of discussion borders on cruelty, Peregrin."
"You're right, Merry," I say fervently, meaning it. I should never mention food when I am so dreadfully hungry.
Just then there is movement and the two Orcs have drawn closer together. I watch them hoping to take my mind off of my stomach and what do I see?
"Merry, it looks as if the larger one is eating the one that used to be our guard," I say hoarsely. That is how it appears to me. Of course it is dark and though there are stars I am sure that my view of things must be somewhat limited. Then too, there is my recent topic of discussion to be considered. I do have eating on my mind at present. If Legolas were here he could probably sort the entire thing out for me. Elves have excellent eyesight.
Merry swallows hard and shifts slightly closer to me. "Well, if that's what is happening then at least there will be one less of them," Merry says quietly. "We shouldn't watch this."
I don't know how Merry can expect me to look away now. All of my attention is on the two Orcs and I watch as the larger one wraps his arms about the smaller one and leans over him. It looks as if he is putting his mouth... oh my! "Merry," I manage to squeak and Merry quickly elbows me.
"Hush! I see it," he hisses. "Keep still. You'll draw their attention."
"I don't think they will pay any attention to me at all just now," I say, still watching them. "I think that the big one is kissing the smaller one."
"Pip, we don't know very much about Orcs," Merry begins in an effort to distract me. "Maybe this is some sort of a ritual that only Orcs-" He breaks off here because no one can fail to notice that the larger Orc is definitely kissing the smaller one. Quite roughly too.
"Mating ritual, perhaps?" I mutter. I watch as the larger Orc takes both hands and pulls the smaller Orc's hair. I wince as the little Orc groans. "Hope it doesn't pull the little one's hair completely out. It's ugly enough already and it really hasn't much hair to begin with."
Merry snickers. "None of them are terribly pleasing to the eye." He swallows hard again and I know that he is seeing exactly what I am seeing.
"The little one just slapped the piss out of the big one," I hiss. "That's got to hurt."
"I don't mind if they hurt each other," Merry says. "Keeps them from hurting us."
The big one laughs and pulls the smaller one toward him again. I watch, fascinated.
"He's kissing the little one again."
"This is disgusting."
"Merry, which do you suppose is the lass? I can't tell with Orcs. Do you think that little one is female or maybe the big one?"
"I don't think there is a lass, Pip."
There is a screeching noise from the little one and then the big one throws back its ugly head and howls. I wish I could cover my ears as I find the noise more distressing than what I am watching.
"How is it that there are so many Orcs if there are no lasses?" I ask trying to distract myself a bit. I do wonder about this. We are surrounded by the evil, foul creatures and have been all day and so there is most certainly some way by which they have little ones.
"I suspect that there are lasses somewhere but neither of those two are lasses," Merry explains. "I don't think those two plan to make more Orcs. They're just doing it for the entertainment."
"I hardly see how they could be entertained by that." I frown. "Of course they have probably been away from their homes for a long time now and maybe they are lonely. Do you think Orcs get lonely?"
"I think, from what I am seeing that even if they don't get lonely, they get excited." Merry observes. "I suppose if you were an Orc that might seem like a wonderful time to you. Maybe they actually fancy one another."
I glance over at our new guard as he just sits there on his rock and ignores the other Orcs. "He doesn't seem interested."
"He's on guard. Someone has to take the watch. They don't seem very bright but they know enough to set a watch. Look how closely they've guarded us. Besides, they can't all be shagging at the same time."
"Suppose not." I swallow. "Do you suppose they mean to actually go that far and sh-" I stop as I see the larger one push the small one to the ground and then fall on it.
"That should answer your question," Merry hisses. "They mean to shag."
"Oh, Merry, that little one is howling again," I moan.
"Well, that looks painful from here. The other one is rather large," Merry says.
"I think the little one likes it though. He's pushing back so it doesn't seem that he's trying to get away or anything."
"We shouldn't watch this," Merry reasons. "It's disgusting."
"I've never seen Orc sex before," I confide. "This might be the only time that I get a chance to see something like this."
"I doubt you've been anywhere near an opportunity like this before," Merry sighs in a rather sarcastic tone. "You may, if you're lucky and we don't have to spend another night with these wicked creatures, never be subjected to anything of this nature again."
"I walked in on my parents once but it was nothing like this," I admit.
"I should hope not!" Merry looks at me and frowns.
"I found it very off putting but for different reasons."
"I don't want details of that event if you please," Merry groans.
"Do you suppose they'll trade off after?" I ask. "The big one seems to be doing all of the work just now." My eyes widen. "The little one is rolling over on its back now and the big one is... oh my!"
Merry squeezes his eyes shut. "I am not watching this part of it. I am not."
"Merry."
"What?"
"That big one is giving the little one a bl-"
"I know what he's doing. I told you I was not watching that. You shouldn't either."
"The little one is howling again and the big one is spitting on him. Oh. I guess you didn't want to know that either, did you?"
"No. I'm not watching because I don't want the memory of this latest distasteful incident but, if you plan to describe it to me in vivid detail then I might just as well just crawl over there now and have a closer look. Really, Pippin you shouldn't be wa-"
"They are trading off!" I am surprised. "The big one is down on all fours now and -"
"And what?" Merry asks when I stop speaking.
"I can't explain it, Merry but do Orcs have two, well, do they have more than one, that is do Orcs have an extra willy?"
Merry's eyes pop open at this and he peers in the direction of the Orcs.
"Well, do they?"
"How would I know that? I'm seeing all of this for the first time just like you are." He pauses. "But it certainly looks as if that little one there has two rather large pricks, doesn't it?"
"Bet he's popular."
"He does seem to be the only one getting any action just now."
"Well, just think of it, Merry. If you had a second willy don't you suppose that the lasses would be lining up at your door?"
"I'm doing fine with the one that I have, thank you."
"I'm sure. Still, imagine. A second one!"
"Pippin."
"You could be in two places at once if you know what I mean." I laugh quietly at my own clever joke.
"I know exactly what you mean," Merry sighs.
"Do you suppose other Orcs have two or just this one lucky Orc?"
"I don't know but whatever you do, don't ask any of them about this."
I am rather insulted by this last utterance of Merry's. I certainly don't plan to ask any of these wicked creatures anything. I turn to Merry and say, "I am hardly likely to bring up a discussion of the finer points of humping with any of these Orcs tomorrow while they run us into the ground."
Merry snickers.
"What?"
"The finer points of humping?" He snickers again. "Judging from what I've just witnessed here I don't think there are any finer points when it comes to Orcs."
I grin. "There is that second willy that the little one's got."
"If you ask me, one good-sized, properly used willy should be enough for anyone." Merry says.
"Still, it is interesting. Maybe when we're in a better situation I might just ask Strider if he's ever heard anything about Orcs having-"
"Don't you dare ask Strider anything about this." Merry is glaring at me now.
The Orcs are howling and I look over to see that the little Orc with the extra knob is now tossing the big Orc around on the ground. "Look at them. They're rolling about on the grass like a couple of dogs, well, of course I've never seen a dog with two shafts but there was this two-headed calf that I saw at a fair once."
"I refuse to listen to that story about the two-headed calf again," Merry says sternly. "It should be torment enough that I am being held captive by Orcs and that my younger cousin is watching two of them have sex and insisting on describing the sordid details to me. I'd say that is quite enough torture without having to hear your two-headed calf story."
"You've never believed that story nor given it the proper respect that it deserves," I say feeling rather insulted. "And in case you've forgot, Meriadoc, you have been watching the Orcs play hide the sausage too."
"It's rather difficult to miss just now, isn't it?" Merry says.
"Strange that we're the ones all tied up and the Orcs are just having sex with each other," I say.
Merry gapes at me in disbelief. "Why is that strange?"
"Well, I hear that some folks enjoy being tied up while they are having sex," I explain. It seems to me that Merry might know this since he is the older cousin. It seems as if I may have to have a wee chat with Merry about important things later.
"That may be exactly what 'some folks' enjoy but personally, I am very relieved that we've been left out of this particular tumble," Merry says. He looks at me intently. "Are you trying to tell me that you are one of those folks, Cousin?"
I am glad it is dark because I am blushing slightly under Merry's gaze. I am not about to answer that question at the moment. Perhaps a change of subject is in order here. I look back at the Orcs and pose a question that has been on my mind.
"Do you suppose one of the little Orc's peckers is bigger than the other or do you think they match up? One of my feet is slightly bigger than the other one so I suppose-"
"I think I'm going to be sick now," Merry groans and he leans his forehead against the ground.
Just at that moment everything changes and all of the Orcs are on their feet, even the two that had been shagging like bunnies, well, wicked ugly bunnies. The Orcs seem to be under attack by some men on horseback. I grin at Merry. "Now's our chance to escape, Merry-lad!"
He looks at me as if I am completely daft and I explain about my ropes and how my hands are actually untied. After our escape into Fangorn as we sit on the ground letting the cool water of the stream we've found soothe our aching feet, I turn to Merry and say, "Be honest. If you could have a second divining rod wouldn't you want one?"
Merry studies me for a moment and then shrugs. "The one that I have is so very large that I doubt I could walk if I had a second one. I'd have to hire someone to carry me around all day."
I snort. Merry can be such a braggart.
"Besides, some jealous Hobbit would probably kill me because of it. I'd be entirely too much Hobbit!"
"Well, that one Orc did meet with a rather nasty end," I say. "Though he made out better than most of those poor dreadful creatures did."
"How do you figure that?" Merry frowns.
"He died happy," I say. "He went to wherever it is Orcs go when they die with a smile on his face."
"And I suppose that big one that he was with died happy too since he was on the receiving end of a double helping," Merry smiles. "I guess maybe two heads are better than one."
I laugh. "Those two wicked Orcs came and then went didn't they?"
The End
(with apologies to Ray Bradbury and William Shakespeare for the terrible pun.)
GW 07/04/2006
