"You Must Remember This..."

Author: Grey Wonderer

Rating: PG-13

Category: Canon-General

Pippin is 22 and Amethyst is 24

This one takes place in the barn near Brandy Hall in Buckland.

"You Must Remember This..."

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"Lean forward and turn your head slightly to the side," Amethyst Brandybuck instructed.

"Which side?" Pippin frowned.

"Lean it slightly to the right because I usually go left, but really it depends upon the lass," she clarified. "So with me it would be right but with someone else it might be left."

"How do you know?" Pippin frowned deeper. "I mean, there you are with your courage all screwed up and just seconds before it comes time to do it, you have to bother about which way to lean your head?"

Amethyst sighed. "You're making far too much of this part of it all. When you get ready to do it, the leaning will come naturally and if you've worked up to it properly then she'll know what's coming and she'll lean first."

"But suppose it's gone a bit wrong and she doesn't know?" Pippin asked worriedly. "I mean, what if you've not made it clear what you mean to do and so you have to lean first? Is there a direction that is most common like with writing?"

"Writing?" She looked at him in confusion.

"Well, most folks write with their right hand," Pippin explained. "It just comes naturally to them and so they use their right hand. Some folks are left handed but not nearly so many as are right handed so you see what I mean, don't you?"

"Not entirely, no," she frowned, her blue eyes squinting at him.

"More folks are right handed and so are most lasses inclined to lean to the right when they do this?"

"I have no idea!" Amethyst shouted.

"Well, you're the one giving the lesson so if you don't know then who does?" Pippin wanted to know.

"Look, Pippin," Amethyst sighed. "Maybe you aren't really ready for this yet." She started to walk away and he reached out and took hold of her shoulders.

"Amee, wait," Pippin pleaded. "I have to be ready for this. I want to, so I must be ready. If you don't teach me then I'll likely do it completely wrong."

She turned back to face him, looking intently at him as if sizing him up. "Well, you are old enough," she said thoughtfully leaning her head to the left as she spoke. "In fact you're starting a bit later at it than most if you ask me."

Pippin scowled. "I didn't ask."

"And you're tall enough for it in most cases," she said. "There's a lass or two that you'd not manage well with unless you sat her down first, but there are more than enough your height or shorter." She walked completely around him taking in the set of his shoulders, the length of his hair, the way he wore his clothes, and his general appearance. When she again stood in front of him, she smiled and looked into his bright green eyes. "And you're not bad looking."

Pippin blushed. "You keep looking me over as if I were a stable pony that you had a mind to buy and it isn't helping any."

"Fine, then let's get back to the matter at hand, shall we?" Amethyst said running a hand through her short, honey-colored curls and taking a step closer to Pippin. "Let's say that you have given the lass the impression that you are about to kiss her and so she knows what's about to happen and she doesn't mind. In fact, let's say that she's all for giving it a go and she plans to let you kiss her."

"All right," Pippin agreed nervously.

"Let's say that you've managed to move things along nicely and you've found a quiet spot and the two of you are alone," Amethyst continued.

"Like we are now," Pippin nodded glancing around the barn.

"Yes, like we are now," she agreed.

Pippin stuffed his hands into his trouser pockets and rocked on his heels. He bit his lower lip and frowned at her, waiting. "Now, what?" he asked.

"Well, for one thing, you do not kiss a lass with your hands in your pockets," she said.

"Oh," Pippin said and he removed his hands from his pockets and held them at his sides. "Is this better then?"

She groaned. "Pippin, have you ever even seen a lad kiss a lass?"

"Of course I have," Pippin said. "I have three older sisters and I've seen lads kiss them before. I've seen Frodo kiss a lass before and Merry, of course."

"Everyone in the Shire has seen Merry," Amethyst agreed looking slightly disgusted.

"Well, he must be doing it quite well because he gets to do it all the time," Pippin said sounding as if he were defending Merry.

"Fine," Amethyst said latching onto this idea. "Then remember what you've seen Merry do and do that!"

Pippin's eyes widened. "I can't do that!"

"What did you see him do?" Amethyst wanted to know suddenly very interested.

"Well, he," Pippin stopped, then moved a step closer to her and then raised one arm but didn't move again.

"Well?"

"He," Pippin faltered. "He sort of put his hand on the back of her head and pulled her forward."

"Do it!" Amethyst ordered in a sharp tone.

"Now?"

"No, three weeks from now," she sighed. "Honestly, Peregrin Took, you are starting to get on my very last nerve."

Pippin squeezed his eyes shut for a minute and then opened them and looked at Amethyst. He licked his lips and then reached out and put his hand on the back of her head and began to pull her forward until their noses touched. He stared at her, his eyes open wide and was unable to go any further.

She stared back at him, sighed and then put one hand on either side of his head and turned him ever so slightly to the right and pressed her lips against his while closing her eyes. She heard him make a tiny choking sound but she ignored it completely and continued to put pressure on his lips. When, after several seconds, nothing happened, she let him go and pulled back to find him staring at her, eyes still wide and mouth hanging open. "You're supposed to do something when I kiss you," she said.

"I was," Pippin said recovering enough to look defensive.

"Really? What were you doing, because I didn't notice anything at all," Amethyst said critically.

"I was watching you so that I could learn what to do of course," Pippin said.

"You left your eyes open?"

"Well, I can't learn anything if I can't see," Pippin reasoned. "I didn't want to miss anything."

"You missed the entire point of the thing," she frowned.

"Again?" Pippin looked dejectedly at her. "What did I do wrong?"

"Everything," she said.

"Well, that's not very helpful," Pippin frowned. He looked down at his feet and at the fresh straw that coated the barn floor. "I mean how can I correct it, if you aren't a wee bit more specific?"

"All right," she agreed. "You left your eyes open, you made me pull you forward instead of the other way around, you didn't remember to turn your head and so I had to turn it for you to keep your pointed nose from putting out one of my eyes, you didn't put your arms around me, you made some sort of unpleasant choking noise, and basically, you just stood there as if you were a tree. Is that of any help to you?"

Pippin swallowed hard and looked over at her. "It's something to work with."

"Look, a lass likes to feel as if the lad kissing her wants to kiss her," Amethyst sighed. "She wants him to think that it's his idea even if she's the one that starts it all."

"That's rather tricky and not at all honest," Pippin said.

"Not everything about this sort of business is honest," Amethyst smiled. "The point is that when you kiss a lass she should enjoy it and so should you. Now, did you enjoy what we just did?"

"Not really," Pippin said. He rubbed the back of his head a bit. "You pulled my hair slightly and it felt as if you were trying to bruise my lips. In fact, you may have."

"I was trying to get you to kiss me back only you didn't."

"I thought I was kissing you back," Pippin confessed. "When you started pushing, I pushed back."

"It's not a shoving match, you silly Took!"

"What then?"

She walked over to him and smiled. "When your lips meet mine, I want you to part them slightly, not much, just a bit."

"You mean instead of shoving?"

"You will put your hands on my waist and I will lean in, put my hand behind your head," she stopped when she noticed that he was rubbing his hand through his hair again. "I won't pull your hair this time."

"Good," Pippin said taking a step toward her.

"Now, I will pull you forward and don't fight me because you are supposed to want to kiss me," she instructed. "I will put my lips against yours and press slightly and then you will part your lips a bit and press back but don't shove. Just press against me, all right?"

He nodded and stepped into position planting his feet slightly apart as if for balance and putting one hand on either side of her waist. He looked at her with wide, slightly fearful, eyes and waited.

"When I start to move forward, close your eyes," she said.

"Why?"

"It's better that way," she said.

"It is?"

"Yes, it's far better than staring at the other hobbit while that close up," Amethyst said.

"It did rather make my eyes cross before," Pippin said.

Amethyst ignored this remark and placed her hand on his head gently, being careful not to pull his hair. She felt his hands tighten on her waist slightly. She pulled him forward tilting his head as she did so and then placed her lips on his. She felt him push back against her slightly and then felt his lips part. Startled, she pulled back and glared at him. "What was that?"

"What?"

"You opened your mouth!"

"You told me to open it!"

"I told you to part your lips slightly, not open your mouth wide enough to put an entire apple in there!"

"I was nervous. I was only trying to do what you said to do," Pippin objected.

"Just part your lips a bit like this," Amethyst said. She leaned forward and parted her lips ever so slightly and allowed him to study her intently. "Do you think you can manage that?"

"I think so," Pippin said and he cracked his knuckles loudly and then put his hands back on her hips.

She moved toward him again and put her hand on his head and then pressed her lips against his and this time she felt his lips part gently and ever so slightly and then.....

Pippin pulled back, nearly shoving her to the barn floor. "You put your tongue in my mouth!"

"I know that!"

"You didn't say anything about that!"

"We were kissing and it was going well so I just did what I usually do next," she said with a slight shrug of her shoulders. "Didn't you like it?"

"I never had anyone's tongue in my mouth except my own!" Pippin objected.

"Well I can tell that by the way you reacted to it all," she sighed.

"I wasn't expecting it," Pippin explained. "It's like taking a drink of tea and getting some of the tea grounds in your mouth and then you have to spit them out because you weren't expecting them."

"Tea grounds!"

"Well I didn't spit or anything," Pippin said.

"If you had, you'd be dead now," Amethyst said in a low, menacing tone. She folded her arms over her chest and glared at him. "I can't teach you this. You're hopeless."

"I am not," Pippin objected. "I was starting to get it and then you surprised me by putting your tongue in my mouth."

"That's part of kissing you ninny hammer," she hissed at him.

"It is?"

"Not every time but most of the time."

"Let's do it again then," Pippin said determinedly.

"One more time," Amethyst said. "But if you don't improve then I am not continuing."

"I'll improve," Pippin said. "Oh, one thing."

"What's that?"

"Do I put my tongue in your mouth too?"

Amethyst nodded. "At some point during the kiss you can if you feel like it."

"And if I don't feel like it?"

"Then don't do it," she said a bit too sharply. "Lads who kiss me properly usually want to but you don't have to since you are just a beginner at this and not very good at it."

Pippin frowned at her and then moved forward with alarming speed, placed his hand smoothly against the back of her head and deliberately tilted it to the right instead of the left. He put his other arm around her waist and pulled her forward so that she came up onto her toes. He put his lips against hers and parted them slightly and then instantly slid his tongue into her mouth.

Startled, Amethyst pressed her lips against his and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. As his tongue moved out of her mouth, she slid hers into his and moved her lips slightly. They continued this for some time until Pippin finally pulled back and lessened his grip on her waist so that she came to rest on her heels again. He looked at her and waited.

"That was much better," Amethyst smiled a surprised. "I think you're improving."

"I think," Pippin said and then paused.

"What?"

"I think I need more practice," Pippin said hopefully and he pulled her toward him again enthusiastically. She didn't resist.

After nearly two hours of serious practice, Amethyst pulled back and smiled at Pippin. "You are now an accomplished kisser. Congratulations."

Pippin grinned back at her, his lips still warm and a bit numb from all of the practice. "So if I decide to kiss a lass you think she'll enjoy it?" he asked.

"You've had an expert teacher so she'd be a fool not to enjoy it," Amethyst said firmly. "In fact, if you have any complaints then the lass is most likely not worth kissing."

"Once more, just to make sure?" Pippin asked. He hadn't enjoyed kissing when the lesson had first begun but now he could see why everyone was so keen on it.

Feeling a bit breathless but having actually begun to enjoy kissing her eager student, Amethyst allowed him to embrace her once more. They had just begun to kiss when applause erupted and cheers were sounded. Startled, Amethyst and Pippin pulled apart and looked around. Standing near the barn door and leaning on some of the stalls were a great many of the Brandybuck's stable workers, several small hobbit children, at least three members of the kitchen staff, a couple of hobbits from a neighboring farm, and Berilac, Merry and Frodo. All of them were applauding and cheering except one small hobbit lad who wrinkled up his nose and said loudly, "That's yucky!"

Amethysts eyes widened and she blushed slightly as Pippin, hair mussed, lips cherry red and shirt pulled out of his trousers on one side, quickly stepped in front of her to shield her from view. She giggled, seeing the humor in it all and stepped out from behind her now accomplished pupil and the defender of her honor. She took one of his hands in hers. "Bow," she whispered.

Pippin, who looked terribly embarrassed, stared at her as though she were mad. "Are you daft? We're surrounded," he hissed weakly.

"Trust me," she whispered. "I've had more experience with this sort of thing."

Not seeing any other option, Pippin held onto her hand and bowed as she curtsied. There were more applause and a few whistles as Amethyst led Pippin from the barn and back toward the Hall. The two of them walked arm in arm giggling.

Years later, when Diamond North-Took of Long Cleeve had become Pippin's wife, Amethyst Brandybuck overheard the new Mrs. Took telling a friend what a wonderful kisser Pippin was. Grinning a bit wickedly, Amethyst had walked past Diamond and said in a very low voice, "He started out dreadfully but he improved with alarming speed." Diamond had looked after her curiously and Amethyst had always wondered exactly how Pippin had explained the remark or if Diamond had even bothered to ask. Some days, Amethyst regretted not pursuing Pippin Took. Most days in fact.

The End

GW 03/12/2006 (posted to West of The Moon on 03/20/2006 and then moved here on 10/23/2007)

"What did he just say?"

Pippin over hears more than he should and is confused until Pervinca clears things up for him. Or has she?

Author: Grey Wonderer

Rating: PG-13

Category: Canon-Humor/Parody

In this one, Pippin is 16, Pervinca is 21, Merry is 24, Pimpernel is 27 and Frodo is 38

"What Did He Just Say?"

It had been a dreadful visit thus far. Pippin was having the worst time that he had ever had at Brandy Hall. This was worse than the time he'd been caught in his Uncle Saradoc's study with jam all over his hands. That time he'd been made to clean every surface in the room, even the ones that he hadn't touched which hardly seemed fair at all. His Uncle had frowned at him for days afterward. Uncle Doc was usually so pleasant but apparently the fact that Pippin had single-handedly destroyed several dozen pages of Brandybuck family history with raspberry-covered fingers had been enough to put his favorite Uncle in a rather sour mood. Pippin could still see that frown if he thought about it long enough. It was worse than the look his Uncle had given him after the incident with the goats.

Pippin shuddered a bit and then sank down into the large comfortable armchair in the parlor to pout. Slouching low in the chair was a natural part of pouting and Pippin was in the mood for a good pout. It wasn't his Uncle Saradoc who was ruining this visit to Buckland for Pippin; it was Merry's fault that he wasn't having any fun. Merry's and just maybe, Pimpernel's fault too. Pippin wasn't entirely sure about Nell.

Pippin always looked forward to visits to Buckland. Most of all, he looked forward to seeing Merry and to spending time with him. He'd been disappointed in the past when Merry would become involved in something with the older lads and Pippin would be left out, but that sort of thing just happened once in a while and Merry almost always made it up to him in some way. Pippin knew that he was younger than Merry. If he were ever to manage to forget the fact, Merry or some other well-meaning relation would certainly be there to remind him. Being younger meant that you got left out sometimes but this was ridiculous!

Merry was acting so silly lately. Pippin would have thought that turning twenty-four would make Merry more sensible but if anything; it had made Merry turn into a blithering idiot. Why did everyone have to change? All Merry wanted to do since the moment that Pippin and his family had arrived was to follow Pimpernel around. Merry had always been a bit afraid of Nell. When Merry was much younger, Nell had made him eat a live worm. She had also knocked him down more than once and until just recently, she was taller than Merry. The moment that Nell had stepped out of the carriage in the barn, Merry had gone all goofy. Suddenly Pippin's older sister was Merry's favorite topic of discussion.

"Does she have a lad that she's seeing?" "Isn't Nell's hair pretty today?" "Doesn't your sister smell nice?" It was nauseating! Pippin had been amused at first but his amusement had soon turned to annoyance once he realized that Merry meant to spend all of his time either talking about Nell or following her about. Why had becoming twenty-four turned his perfectly good cousin into a ninny hammer?

Try as he might, Pippin had been unable to get Merry's attention. Merry didn't want to go fishing or swimming or walking in the woods or exploring the mathom rooms. Merry didn't want to get up late at night and sneak into the kitchen for a snack or go to the barn and see the ponies or hallway skate or set off crackers or see who could put the most grapes into their mouth. All of the really excellent things that they usually did such as swiping food from the kitchen, sitting outside after dark telling stories, trying to make milk come out of their noses, teasing Pippin's sister Pervinca until she chased them, and putting ants in the laundry basket seemed of no interest to Merry this visit. All of Merry's attention was on Nell.

Pippin scowled and smacked his fist on the arm of the chair. If Nell was making this happen on purpose then Pippin was going to be very angry with her for a very long time. Nell was usually all right for an older sister but Pippin was not putting up with this even from Nell.

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"I don't believe that you did this!"

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Pippin frowned deeper. That was Nell's voice. It was coming from the next room. Nell sounded angry about something and Pippin was almost glad. Maybe Nell was angry with Merry and that would be the end of all of this. He turned his head slightly and listened, hoping to hear more.

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"How could you?"

"I didn't mean to, honestly."

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Pippin sat up straighter. That was Merry's voice. Nell really was angry with Merry! This very thing might actually salvage the rest of Pippin's visit. If Nell were angry enough then maybe she wouldn't let Merry follow her about. Merry really was making a pest of himself following Nell around like a pup follows its mum. Didn't Merry realize that Nell was older than him and that she might not want someone tagging around after her? Why didn't Merry realize that and just pay more attention to him?

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"How could you manage a thing like this if you didn't mean to?" Nell was shouting. "How am I supposed to believe that you didn't plan this, Meriadoc?"

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Pippin quietly slid out of his chair and moved closer to the door that opened into the next room. Nell was talking very loudly if Pippin could hear her across the room. The door was closed and so they had to be yelling since Pippin could hear them so clearly. That meant that Nell was very angry. Pippin felt a small smile begin on his lips as he leaned his ear against the door and prepared for some proper eaves dropping.

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"Nell, don't be angry," Merry begged. "I only wanted to please you. I never meant for it to get stuck."

"You actually thought that this would please me?"

"Well, I wouldn't have tried it if I didn't think that you'd be pleased. I thought you'd enjoy having-"

"Having you stuck this way?"

"Well, no. I never planned on getting stuck. I've never done this before!"

"That is quite obvious!"

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Pippin frowned. What hadn't Merry ever done before? Pippin was reasonably certain that Merry had done almost everything and that Merry was good at everything. What was Nell talking about? He strained to hear better. This was a real puzzler.

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"You don't have to insult me you know!"

"What choice do I have? You've really made a mess of this, haven't you? Now what am I going to do? This is my problem too. If anything happens then I am holding you personally responsible. You'll be the one taking care of it, not me. There are some things that you simply have no business touching!"

"Believe me, I regret that I ever touched anything of yours. Just pull harder and stop shouting at me. If you'd quit being so critical and help me I might be able to get loose."

"I am pulling!"

"Well pull harder, Nell!"

"What if I break it? Then what? I doubt that you'd be very please about that now would you? You think this is painful? What would that be like?"

"Just get me out of this fix. It isn't going to break. You just have to pull back more. Plant your feet firmly and pull! It's sturdier than you think it is."

"I am pulling Merry and it isn't helping!"

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What were they doing in there? Nell sounded a bit alarmed and now Merry was starting to get angry. Pippin was very tempted to go in and find out what was going on for himself but he didn't want the two of them angry with him. All he needed right now was for Merry and Nell to join forces against him. If anything could make this visit to Buckland any worse, that would be it.

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"Maybe if you twisted a little as you pulled it might pop loose."

"Fine! I'll try twisting but if that doesn't work then I'm getting yelling for help."

"No!"

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Whatever was wrong, Merry obviously didn't think it would be a very good idea to get help so he must think that he and Nell could take care of it. Merry was seldom wrong about that sort of thing. Pippin figured it would just be a matter of time before this problem was resolved. He listened intently to see how Merry planned to solve the difficulty. It was really too bad that Pearl wasn't around. Pearl had once helped Pippin get his head out of a bucket. Pippin had been stuck until Pearl had stepped in and saved the day for him. Pippin was quite sure that if Pearl were around she'd be able to help Merry too.

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"We might need help, Merry."

"Nell, can you imagine what everyone would say? We can't tell anyone. Think of the embarrassment if anyone were to find out about this."

"Now, you're only thinking of your own ego," Nell said tartly.

"You aren't the one who's stuck are you?" Merry said in a low growl. "You aren't the one who will have to hear about this for weeks now are you?"

"I told you not to try this when you first brought it up."

"I wanted to make you happy and so I ignored you. I figured that once I got started you'd be grateful."

"When a lass says no, she means no. I told you not to do this."

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Pippin's eyes widened a bit. Just what was going on in there?

"Pippin, what are you doing?" Pervinca asked in a very low voice as she came up behind him.

Pippin jumped and quickly put his hand over his older sister's mouth. "Shhhhh, Vince. They'll hear you," he warned nodding his head toward the closed door.

From behind the door Nell said, "I know you meant well, Merry but this is no way to please a lass."

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Pervinca's eyes widened and she pried Pippin's hand from her mouth and pushed him aside taking his place at the door and forcing him to select a less comfortable one by crouching lower.

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"I thought I was doing it properly. Frodo said-"

"You mentioned this to Frodo and he didn't warn me that you were thinking of trying this?"

"I didn't exactly tell him what I meant to do, I only asked him how to go about it since I know he does it all the time. He has plenty of this sort of thing at his smial."

"He's older than you are and he has his own smial. Of course he does it all the time."

"I suppose he has to, doesn't he since he lives alone?"

"Of course he has to and I am very certain that you didn't get your instructions from him. Any lass would be thrilled to have Frodo do this for them. Most lads are utterly hopeless but Frodo has a gift for this sort of thing. He has wonderfully small hands and a very delicate touch."

"I don't want to hear about Frodo's gift just now if you don't mind. I'd rather you'd put your energy into getting me loose. I'm losing feeling here and that can't be good."

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Pervinca put her hands over her mouth and squeezed her eyes shut. Losing feeling? It was a very good thing that their parents had gone into Buckland because Nell would never be able to explain this to them. Pervinca had a minute to wonder if Pippin had any idea what was going on behind this door. She had about decided that he didn't when Nell cried out in, well, when Nell cried out.

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"I'm sorry, Nell!"

"That hurt!"

"Now you know how I feel!"

"Yes but you deserve it. This was not my idea, Merry!"

"Look, if you'd stop blaming me and help me out of this situation before everyone finds out about it then everything would be fine again."

"You don't think I plan to forget this do you? Because if that's what you think then you couldn't be more wrong! This is not the sort of thing that can simply be forgotten. This time, you've gone too far!"

"Easy, Nell! Don't twist so hard. You'll-"

"What are you two doing? I can hear you moaning and groaning and yelling all the way down the hall."

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There was suddenly a third voice in the other room and Pippin and Pervinca looked at one another and mouthed, 'Frodo'.

"Maybe Frodo can help them," Pippin said in a whisper.

Pervinca sighed. "The last thing they need is a third hobbit involved in this. It's personal and Frodo shouldn't be helping," she hissed indignantly.

"But Merry's stuck," Pippin pointed out. "And Nell doesn't seem to be doing anything at all to help him. She hasn't done anything right the entire time I've been listening."

"If Merry's stuck then he's the one who didn't do something right," Pervinca hissed. She frowned in confusion. "I didn't know that could happen anyway. Mum must have left that part out when she was explaining things."

Pippin ignored her puzzled look and placed his ear against the door again just as Frodo began to laugh.

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"It isn't funny!" both Nell and Merry shouted at the same time.

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"I should think not," Pervinca murmured from the other side of the door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Frodo do something!"

"Yes you try," Nell said. "I'm getting sore from pulling on him and he isn't budging in the least."

"How did you-"?

"Never mind that now, Frodo. Just think of something before everyone comes home and finds me like this!"

"Yes, Frodo. Merry tells me you gave him instructions so this is partly your fault." She sounded rather annoyed.

"Nell, all I told him was that he would need to be gentle and to go all the way to the bottom."

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Pippin felt Pervinca pulled him away from the door and drag him back a few steps by his ear.

"What are you doing?" Pippin objected.

"Protecting your tiny little mind from your smutty older cousins and our immoral older sister," Pervinca whispered.

"Let go of my ear," Pippin hissed. "I want to hear what Merry was suppose to get to the bottom of."

"You're too young to know that," Pervinca snapped quietly.

Pippin's eyes widened and his mouth fell open. "Is this about sex?" he whispered nervously. "Vince, Merry and Nell aren't having sex-"

Pervinca clamped a hand over Pippin's mouth just as Frodo said, "I think we need something to lubricate you Merry-lad. We'll never get you out this way and I am very sure that Nell is losing her patience. Frankly, I don't know how she's managed to put up with this without panicking. You could do some serious damage."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pippin and Pervinca looked at one another and both of them moved back toward the door in one motion and pushed their ears against the wood tightly. Lubricate?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Well hurry, will you?" Merry pleaded. "Before someone else comes along and finds me this way."

"Yes, and I'm tired of dealing with this. A lass can only take this sort of stress for so long. I've been at my wits end with it all. He's such a klutz!"

"I am not!"

"Then how did you get stuck?"

"I just was doing what Frodo said."

"What did I say?" Frodo asked.

"You told me to be sure that I got all the way to the bottom if I wanted to do a good job." Merry's voice sounded rather accusatory now.

Frodo snorted. "Well, you've certainly out-done yourself there. You two wait right here and I'll get some oil or maybe a bit of butter will work."

"Do it quickly before Merry breaks something." Nell sighed. "You should have just done this for him, Frodo. We would all be happier about now. I know I would have certainly been happier if you had done this instead of Merry."

"I'm not going to break anything and Frodo can't be possibly be all that good at this!" Merry sounded rather embarrassed now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Suddenly, Pippin felt the door give way and he and Pervinca were falling forward. He tried his best to catch himself but it was no use. They would be caught for sure now. Pippin squeezed his eyes shut because he had no desire to see what Merry and Pimpernel were doing now that he realized that this was about sex. Nell was his sister after all and he felt as if he might go blind if he were to ever see anything that personal involving a sister. His thoughts were interrupted as his hands hit the floor and Pervinca fell on top of him, pinning him down with her weight.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Well, what have we here?" Frodo asked as he looked down at them. "A pair of eaves droppers?"

"Eaves dropping isn't as bad as whatever Merry and Nell are doing!" Pippin insisted with his eyes still shut tightly.

Pervinca was now looking at Nell and frowning. Nell was frowning back at her with some confusion in her eyes. "Pervinca, honestly, you are far too old to be listening at keyholes! And Peregrin Took you-"

"And you shouldn't be having sex with Merry!" Pippin blurted from beneath Pervinca.

"What?" Merry, Nell and Frodo all shouted.

"You heard me! I didn't get it at first but then Pervinca explained it to me. She told me it was sex and-"

"I did not!" Pervinca said as her face turned blood red. She pushed herself up off of Pippin and stood up. "He's lying!"

Pippin made no move to get up off of the floor and so a very amused Frodo reached down and gently pulled his younger cousin to his feet. Pippin's eyes were squeezed shut and he wasn't showing any signs of opening them. "How could you, Merry? My favorite cousin having sex with one of my favorite sisters!" he asked.

"Pippin I didn't!" Merry objected while Nell stood beside of him and chuckled. Merry glared at her.

"They thought you were stuck while-" Nell giggled some more and elbowed Merry in the ribs.

"I did not!" Pervinca shouted trying to hide her face from her older sister. "It was Pippin!"

"Pippin," Frodo said. "Open your eyes and go to the kitchen and get some cooking oil and bring it back to me."

"I'm not helping with any of this," Pippin said his eyes still squeezed shut. He then lowered his voice to a nervous whisper and said, "She my sister, Frodo."

Suddenly Merry was fighting back his own laughter.

"I know that," Frodo said, fighting his own laughter. "Pippin, this isn't what you think it is. Merry has a rather expensive crystal vase stuck on his hand and I want to try and get the vase off without breaking it."

Pippin's eyes popped open and he carefully glanced over at Merry who held out his arm so that Pippin could see the vase. "That's the one that Mum gave Nell when she turned twenty. It's Nell's favorite," Pippin said still staring at the vase. "She'll kill you if you break it. No one's even allowed to touch it."

"Yes, that's correct Pippin, and Merry decided to impress me by trying to clean it for me," Nell said with an evil grin at Pervinca who was still blushing. "But he was trying to clean the bottom of it and he got his hand caught. Lads' hands are too big for such delicate crystal. Most lads can't do such cleaning without the aid of a brush. Frodo is an expert at it since Bilbo left him a great deal of old crystal but Merry has no idea what he's doing."

"Now, take a deep breath and go get the oil," Frodo said with an encouraging smile.

Pippin smiled back. "I'm glad you weren't having sex with Nell, Merry because as her only brother I would have had to kill you," Pippin said cheerfully. As he left the room he looked over at Pervinca and frowned. "You might want to have a wee chat with mum when she gets back from town, Vince. You're older than me and you might need to know about sex sooner."

Pervinca's mouth fell open as Pippin breezed past her.

"You might just want to take his advice," Merry snickered.

"Oh, shut up! You've no right to talk," Pervinca muttered. "You have your hand stuck in a vase!" She turned on her heels and stalked out of the room with her head down while Nell and Merry snickered at her.

"Where do you suppose she got the idea that the two of you were," Frodo stopped there and averted his eyes.

"I guess it must have sounded different through the door," Nell shrugged.

Merry thought about it a moment and then groaned. "I think it probably did sound a bit different." At least he could be grateful that Pervinca wasn't going to mention his embarrassing situation to any one, but he would need to find a way to keep Pippin quiet once Frodo got this darned vase off of his hand. Nell was very pretty, but this little incident might just have cured him of his fondness for her for good. Now, if only he could think of a way to keep Pippin from telling this story at the dinner table.....

The End

G.W. 01/16/2006 (posted to West of the Moon 02/08/2006 and then moved here on 10/23/2007)